Emails from the Trenches of the Billable Hour

By Emily A. Backus

Dear Lana,

My brother-in-law, Mr. Woolworth, has informed me that you will not pay a bill for legal services he provided to you. I deeply regret this outcome, having put the two of you in contact. I will pay what Mr. Woolworth asks as he is a partner of a big law firm, and I must encounter him at weddings, funerals, and family holidays for the foreseeable future. Having learned from the experience, I will never foist one of my friends on him again, since it is lousy business for him and only grief for me.

With best regards to you and the children,

Tom Smith

Dear Tom,

I have attempted on a number of occasions to reach Mr. Woolworth directly about his charges — by email, letter and telephone. I thought his three months of silence meant he was embarrassed or let it go. Instead, it turns out that your brother-in-law is not only a greedy weasel, he is a slimy one as well.

Don’t pay. Mr. Woolworth is bullying you. Let me take care of him.

Lana Lovelace

Cc: Adam Woolworth, Esq.

Dear Mrs. Lovelace,

I received the email that you have been sending around on the topic of the fees owed to my Firm. I feel obligated, since you decided to involve several people, to put a few things straight:

On April 1, you were referred to my Firm by Mr. Smith. Please see the attached email below received under the heading “legal council ”. It clearly shows that this was a business referral, and business means that you pay.
Since I was on my way to the Maldives for a business trip, I instructed my senior associate Ms. Lawson to deal with the questions you raised. With some detective work, she found your unlisted home phone number and called you unannounced at 8pm, just hours after Mr. Smith said you were looking for help. In other words, she provided on-the-spot service without putting normal billing hours at risk. Her dedication and resourcefulness must be recognized.
I was informed by Ms. Lawson that she managed to carry on the conversation for an entire hour even though your questions could have been answered in 15 minutes. Very thorough.
You did not bother to thank me for the services that were provided to you on extremely short notice. Please see your “belated thanks” sent to me a month later, only to protest the invoice from my Firm.
Neither Ms. Lawson nor I ever heard any inquiry on your part about possible costs. What were you thinking? That we’d take this lying down?
You did not behave like a normal referral, following up with more work for us. How dare you take up my senior associate’s time for nothing.

For all these reasons, I see no grounds for you to refuse to recognize that services were rendered to you which ought to be paid. Concerning the level of fees, the hourly charges were preferential, since you were referred to us by Mr. Smith.

Adam Woolworth, Esq.

….

Dear Mr. Woolworth,

Thank you for taking the time to write to me. Now I finally have a clue about what’s going on in your fat head.

1) My first and only contact with Ms. Lawson did last nearly an hour, and while I didn’t ask her about her fees, she never brought them up. Thus I never agreed to pay anything. Hah.

2) Where I come from, charging for informal consultations made through a relative or a friend would torpedo your business and social calendar overnight. But guess what? You didn’t bill me for that consultation! Your invoice was for follow up services I never requested and wasn’t even aware of. Yes, I read the fine print on the bill. Nice try, Buddy.

3) Seven hundred dollars for 1.5 hours work may represent a small fraction of a single day (at discounted rates, no less) for you, but it is a mortgage payment for me. If your charges had been reasonable, I would have paid to get rid of the matter. But who do you think I am? Microsoft? Even they don’t pay lawyers by the hour anymore.

4) Yes, I should have thanked Ms. Lawson for her time, but my mind was occupied by urgent family matters. The car broke down, the cat got cancer, the nanny quit, and to top it off, the oven went out just as I was preparing for an important dinner party.

5) Instead of answering my letter or my phone calls, you dumped your gripes on Tom and asked him to pay. What sort of schmuck would detonate family relations and poison friendships over an hour of unrequested business by one of his subordinates? How does that compare to a missing thank you note?

As I see it, you have three options:

1) If you cancel the bill, you will prevent Tom from feeling nausea whenever he sees you at family functions, and my fury will eventually die to a smolder.

2) If you give me a steep discount on the bill, I will give it some consideration, since Ms. Lawson really was lovely.

3) If you insist on keeping the bill as is, I will do my best to make your life miserable. Prepare your PR people, because I have dug up some pretty interesting news on the systematic, perverse incentives of the billable hour that I would happily forward to a journalist friend – and have taken note of your clients. I am also curious about what the ethics committee of your bar association might have to say on the issue – and your behavior.

I hope we can peacefully and quickly put this issue to rest.

Sincerely,

Lana Lovelace

…

Woolworth remains silent.

….

Dear Ms. Lawson,

Mr. Woolworth recently made me aware of a number of issues that arose out of our contact on April 1. I should have formally thanked you. I hope that we can put the issue to rest quickly and serenely for all. If you and Mr. Woolworth forgive the bill, I will be extremely grateful to you both. If you leave the bill intact, I will consult a lawyer on what to do. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

Lana Lovelace

…

To: Lana Lovelace

From: Adam Woolworth

Please note that Ms. Lawson is not authorized to discuss, alleviate, amend or issue invoices. You will receive, in appropriate time, a letter from our accounting dept.

Adam Woolworth, Esq.

….

One week later:

Dear Mr. Woolworth,

Thank you very much for cancelling a bill that you knew you had no right to collect. Ms. Lawson must be very charming to mortify such a shameless lout. I am glad I made you look bad. I have informed your brother-in-law of your humiliation. Did you thump Tom in the first place because you’re some kind of an alpha male? I have sent you a gift, which I hope will serve as a souvenir of my esteem: a chunk of pyrite. It glitters, but it is just fool’s gold. I wish I could brain you with it, you ape.

Lana Lovelace

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